X-Men: Substitute Teacher
by Movie Riggs
Summary: An X-Men one shot in which Deadpool wreaks havoc at the X-Mansion when he shows up to substitute for Xavier in physics class. Rated: 'M' for strong language and some sexual references.


It was a lovely, bright spring day at Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters.

Inside one of the mansion's several classrooms sat four teenage superheroes: Bobby Drake, a.k.a. Ice Man; Kitty Pryde, a.k.a. Shadowcat; Marie, a.k.a. Rogue; and John Allerdyce, a.k.a Pyro. Upon sitting down at their desks, the bell rang. Another near miss at being tardy. But it appeared they had had nothing to fear. Professor Xavier was not at his usual spot behind his desk this morning. Inquiries about his whereabouts began to be made by the class. Just before Rogue stood up to go look for Dr. Grey or someone who might help, a man in a full-body red and black suit armed with guns and two ninja swords came strolling casually into the room, humming a song by Wham!

"Who the hell is that?" Kitty whispered to Bobby. Bobby shrugged. "I don't know, he looks weird." "Can he even see through that thing?" another student murmured. The man walked up to the chalkboard and began to firmly write something. Midway through, the chalk broke. "Ah, fuck," the character muttered. "Time to bring out the big guns!" He suddenly flipped out a large switchblade and carved the rest of the word into the board. The students grimaced at the sound of the metal blade screeching against the board. The man put the knife back, turned to face the class, and clapped his hands together. "Good morning, children!" he declared cheerfully. "I'm your substitute teacher: Mr. Pool! You may know me as the man that single-handedly, permanently fucked up the D.C. cinematic universe. You may not. In any case, I have been hired to take over for Pat Stewart's physics class today, so the first thing we'll be doing is taking attendance!"

Mr. Pool looked around Xavier's desk, his eyes finally landing on a clipboard complete with the list of students in the class. He called out the first name, "Bobby Drake! Where you at?" Bobby slowly raised his hand. "Alright, check," Mr. Pool confirmed. Mr. Pool continued to scan the clipboard, seemingly choosing names at random rather than by alphabetical order. "Wheeere's Johnny? Johnny-boy?" John raised his hand in confirmation. "Yeah, that's good, don't be afraid to stick that mother up there," Mr. Pool said. "Kitty Pryde?" "Here." Under his mask, Mr. Pool's brow seemed to raise up to his nonexistent hairline. "How's the kid?" Kitty blinked in surprise. "I'm sorry?" Mr. Pool shook his head. "Never mind. Jubilation Lee?" "Absent today," Rogue answered helpfully. Mr. Pool frowned, displeased. "WWIII?" The students took a moment to understand Mr. Pool must have been referring to the initials of Warren Worthington III. "He's...also absent," Bobby informed Mr. Pool. The substitute teacher huffed. "Well, those two aren't fucking in the janitor's closet at all," he commented sarcastically. "Alright, that's taken care of. Everyone important to the plot is present." He tossed the clipboard over his shoulder carelessly. It crashed into a glass display case loudly.

"Mr. Pool clapped his hands together again. "Okay..." The class stared at him expectantly. Mr. Pool checked his watch. Crickets began to chirp. John rolled his eyes. Mr. Pool finally sighed and declared, "Okay, recess!"

* * *

The students at Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters did not technically have a recess period during the day, so they were forced to use the front lawn as a playground. Mr. Pool sat in a lawn chair, sipping lemonade through his mask and wearing sandals and a woman's beach hat over his suit. The mutant children stood around chatting monotonously. Mr. Pool put on his headphones and prepared to hit the 'play' button on his Walkman. Just before he could, Rogue and Kitty came up to interrupt his sun-bathing.

"Mr. Pool?" Kitty asked timidly. Mr. Pool sighed and looked up. "What?" "Are we just going to be doing this all day?" Mr. Pool shrugged. "Sure, don't you want to?" Kitty looked around. "Well...no, not really. Nobody has anything to do. We're just standing around." Mr. Pool's eyes widened. "What?!" He spun his head around, taking in the image of twenty bored mutant students. "This disgusts me!" he complained. "I am utterly sickened and repulsed! When I was your age, I would have _killed_ to have recess all day! And now I look around here and see nothing but a bunch of loser papooses who don't know how to have fun! Thanks, Obama!"

There was only one way to handle this. Mr. Pool jumped out his lawn chair and kicked away his beach supplies. "If they can't have fun, I'm gonna teach them to have fun!" he declared to himself.

Before Rogue, Kitty, or any other student knew what was happening, there was an ear-piercing whistle that seemed to come from all around. The children turned to see Mr. Pool now wearing a referee T-shirt and cap over his suit and holding a whistle in his mouth. How he managed to blow that whistle through his mask, no one knew. "Alright, gang! Gather 'round!" he ordered. "Now, since you little pansy shits can't figure out how to have a good time by yourselves, I've taken the liberty to come up with a new game for us to play!" The students groaned in complaint. "Does this guy know we're not in grade school?" John muttered to Bobby.

"Listen up!" Mr. Pool shouted. "The first rule of dodgeball is: you do not talk about dodgeball!" Everyone furrowed their brows in confusion. "The second rule of dodgeball is: _you do not talk about dodgeball!_ The third rule is: if this is your first time at dodgeball, you must fight! And right now, that's everybody, so game on, bitches!"

With that, Mr. Pool promptly unleashed a hail of rubber red dodgeballs onto the lawn. John was the first to pick one up. He eyed Kitty with a jerky grin. Kitty sighed. "No, John, I don't want to play." John ignored her pleas and threw the ball. Kitty turned on her powers and let the dodgeball pass right through her. Behind her, the ball sailed into Rogue, striking her in the stomach. "Ooh, yer out!" Mr. Pool called as Bobby rushed to Rogue's side. "You okay?" he asked. She smirked. "Bobby, it's just a rubber ball," she assured, though there was a hint of flatter in her voice.

Suddenly, a new missile came sailing in their direction, striking Bobby in the head. In spite of himself, Bobby tumbled over onto the grass. "Whoa, and the youngest Brady boy is out, too!" Mr. Pool narrated obnoxiously. "I tell ya, that side's taking a beating!"

Bobby's face was red when he looked up from the ground; not just because the ball had left a mark but also because he'd just let himself take a hit right in front of Rogue. John stood, still armed, giving him a cocky snicker. Bobby rose up and grabbed the dodgeball that had just been used to hit him. Right before throwing it, he made sure to add a nice, thin layer of ice to it. John never saw it coming. He was struck dead between the eyes, and stumbled over. As he staggered back up, his face might have turned red from embarrassment if it wasn't blue from the sudden chill brought over by the dodgeball. "Why, you little dick!" he shouted at Ice Man. If anyone could have seen the expression under Mr. Pool's mask, they would have seen a smile. "Ah, now this is getting interesting!"

Pyro wasted no time in repelling the use of mutant powers. Grabbing the nearest dodgeball, he flicked out his lighter and sent a wave of flame spiraling around the ball. "Ice _this!_ " He sent it hurtling through the air towards Ice Man, who fired a ray of ice at it instinctively. But just before it landed, it was caught by an entirely new ball of flame. Mr. Pool rose up in surprise. "Oh, hold up! New cameo, everybody!"

The class looked to see who had caught the dodgeball, and were met with the sight of Negasonic Teenage Warhead. She smiled perkily at Pyro, who returned the suave grin.

Mr. Pool walked up to her, clapping. "Natalie Portman! From 'V for Vendetta'! Excellent catch just then! Although, I am going to have to give you only a B+, unless there's anything you want to do to...ahem...raise your grade?" Negasonic ignored Mr. Pool's perverted jokes and instead fired insults right back. "Oh, hey! It's Dumb-Prick!" "Yeah, that's _Deadpool_ , El," Mr. Pool corrected, folding his arms sternly. "Do I make fun of _your_ badass name? No, I don't." He immediately decided to change the subject. "So! Now that we're all here, whaddaya say we take a break for lunch hour? _Chimichangas_ , anyone?"

"No, it's alright," Negasonic grinned. "I won't tell anyone. Playing super-powered dodgeball, huh? Mind if I join in?" Mr. Pool's eyes widened in comic shock. "Lex! Are you being _cool_ about something? For a second time? That's amazing!" He shrugged and tossed a ball up in the air. "You heard her, kids! Game's back on!"

All of a sudden, there was a metallic clang. The dodgeball did not come back down. Not in one piece, at least. It came floating down through the air, popped into a useless piece of rubber. All of the students stopped in mid-action, staring at someone behind Mr. Pool. Their substitute teacher winced. "Uh-oh, I see what's going on here. He's right behind me, isn't he?" The mutant children all nodded in affirmation. Mr. Pool reached his hand back behind him without turning around, feeling for the individual. He felt a metallic hand, a metallic thigh, a pair of metallic... "Oh dear Lord!" Mr. Pool cried. "Chuck Norris?! Is that you?" But when he whipped about on one foot, Mr. Pool instead came face to face with...

"Deadpool!" Colossus said in his Russian accent. "What on earth are you doing here?" Mr. Pool shushed Colossus hurriedly. "Don't use my full name around the kids! I'm Mr. Pool to my students!" Colossus grabbed Wade's left arm firmly. "You are not a teacher here! How did you get into the building?" "Oh, well, the writer's a personal friend of mine," Wade explained. "Just dropped me off right into the second paragraph. Neat, huh?" Colossus held up his free hand apologetically. "Children, please forgive me!" he said to the kids. " _I_ was supposed to be your substitute teacher today, but I was running late. Professor Xavier had an appointment to meet Magneto in prison for their monthly game of chess."

"Ew, Charlie has conjugal visits with Erik?" Wade asked. " _Chess!_ " Colossus insisted. "They play chess!" Wade shrugged. "Oh."

Colossus sighed and shook his head. "Class, I want to apologize. I'm sure Deadpool..." "Mister!" Wade interrupted. "...has spent all morning scarring your minds with profanity and crude sexual references!" Colossus finished. "I most certainly have fucking not, you ass-face motherfucker!" Wade yelled in exasperation. Colossus winced. "Wilson, please! You make me want to cover my own ears! And think of the children!"

Wade shrugged it off. "Ah, nonsense. This school had screwed these kids up so badly. No one had any idea how to play! I just had to teach them a few basics!"

Colossus' probing eyes suddenly caught the image of Pyro and Negasonic, who were hiding behind a few taller students and making out like their plane was going down. "Jonathan! Negasonic! Behave yourselves!" Colossus ordered. "Fuck you!" the overly-passionate couple shouted back simultaneously.

Wade began to laugh hysterically. "Oh, that's what I'm talking about! That's my boy, Pyro!" Pyro gave him a fiery thumbs-up. Colossus frowned at Wade. Before he could scold anymore, someone radioed in on Colossus' earpiece. "Colossus, this is Jean. Did you find all the kids?" Colossus answered, "Yes! I have them here in the front yard."

Wade's head perked up at the mention of Jean's name. "Famke? Is that you? I love you, darling! You were so hot in 'Goldeneye'! Can you hear me, hello?"

"Who is that?" Jean questioned. Colossus groaned. "It's Wade Wilson," he admitted. " _Wade Wilson_ is out in the yard with your students?!" Jean asked in a panicky tone. "Yes," Colossus replied. "And it's very important to me that the Professor _never_ finds out about this."

* * *

 **A Guide to the Obscure Pop Culture References Made in this Story (In Chronological Order):**

1\. Mr. Pool claims that the kids may know him as the man who single-handedly ruined the D.C. cinematic universe, which is a jab at Ryan Reynolds' starring role in the infamous 2011 'Green Lantern' film.

2\. When calling Pyro's name for attendance, Mr. Pool takes the opportunity to say, "Wheeere's Johnny?" The line "Heeere's Johnny!" was made famous by 'The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson' and later by Jack Nicholson's character in the 1980 horror film 'The Shining.'

3\. Mr. Pool asks Kitty, "How's the kid?" which is a reference to Ellen Page(the actress who plays Kitty Pryde)'s breakout role in the 2009 comedy 'Juno,' in which she plays a teenage girl who accidentally gets pregnant.

4\. When Mr. Pool tosses away the clipboard, it makes a loud "glass crashing" sound. Though this gag has been imitated throughout many long years of comedy media, it is perhaps most well-known for being a constant running joke in 'Wet Hot American Summer' and the film's two Netflix-produced sequels.

5\. Mr. Pool declares that the class should have recess for the whole day, much like Jack Black's character does on his first day of substitute teaching in 'School of Rock.'

6\. Mr. Pool's rules about dodgeball spoof the rules about Fight Club, stated in the film of the same title by Tyler Durden.

7\. Mr. Pool calls Bobby "the youngest Brady boy." The youngest of the male kids in 'The Brady Bunch' was named Bobby.

8\. Mr. Pool makes three allusions to characters with shaved heads when teasing Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Natalie Portman from 'V for Vendetta,' El (referring to Millie Bobby Brown and her role as El/Eleven in 'Stranger Things'), and Lex (referencing the infamous Superman villain Lex Luthor).

9\. Wade is ecstatic when he hears Jean Grey's voice because she was "so hot in 'Goldeneye,'" which is a callback to Famke Janssen's role as a sexy assassin in the 1995 James Bond movie.

10\. Colossus' last line, "It's very important to me that the Professor _never_ finds out about this," is almost the exact same line said by Falcon in 'Ant-Man' when he says, "It's very important to me that Cap _never_ finds out about this."

* * *

 _Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to X-Men nor any of the other media referenced in this story._


End file.
